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Got Jokes?

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megladon

Wed Nov 25 2009, 06:35AM

Registered Member #93

Joined: Tue Sep 09 2008, 09:52PM
Location: mackay queensland
Posts: 524
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The Bathing Suit

When I was a child in the 1960's the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice - she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are
protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got home, I found a label which read -- 'Material might become transparent in water'.

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

[ Edited Wed Nov 25 2009, 06:36AM ]

thundermug

Wed Nov 25 2009, 09:20AM

Registered Member #44

Joined: Mon Jun 30 2008, 07:06PM
Location: aLABAMA
Posts: 85
Thanked 0 time in 0 post

One out of 4 people is mentaly unstable. Look at your closest three friends. If they all seem normal to you then your the 1 in 4.

Get a grip

megladon

Thu Jan 28 2010, 05:35PM

Registered Member #93

Joined: Tue Sep 09 2008, 09:52PM
Location: mackay queensland
Posts: 524
Thanked 7 time in 7 post

"Awesome Senior"

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent inter-action between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a D.C. airport. There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets, on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam . All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

~God Bless America ~

jessica

Thu Feb 04 2010, 08:12AM

Registered Member #9

Joined: Fri Jun 20 2008, 02:11PM
Location: Oakland County
Posts: 1110
Thanked 17 time in 16 post

WHY DOGS BITE PEOPLE-
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There is no beginning or end.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.

jessica

Wed Apr 07 2010, 07:28PM

Registered Member #9

Joined: Fri Jun 20 2008, 02:11PM
Location: Oakland County
Posts: 1110
Thanked 17 time in 16 post

lol
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There is no beginning or end.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.

Igmuska

Wed Apr 14 2010, 09:17AM

Registered Member #169

Joined: Wed Mar 25 2009, 10:38AM
Location: Michigan
Posts: 71
Thanked 2 time in 2 post

The Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a Pet shop and asks, in the sweetest
little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep
widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on
her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy
bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over thewe?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python
weally gives a thit."

Qui Me Amat Amet Et Canem Meum

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